procrastination

Another week has passed and here I am sitting in front of my laptop doing what I am not supposed to so - procrastinate. I declared on the wikis that I was going for a wikibreak, but truth be told, I lurked at the wikis and silently watched them as they go about their activities without me. I was jealous as them for being so active while I'm gone. Everytime I opened the recent changes I had the urge to log in and edit. I declared that I'll be gone for four months. My complex tells me that I should prove to them I'll be gone for four months. That I shouldn't log in and tell them that I'll just be gone for two, or a week. That this wikibreak is for real.

I didn't fool anybody. At wikipedia I declared that I was on a semi-retirement. I cleaned up my talk archived and even displayed semi-retired on my userpage. Just three weeks later I logged in saying I was only going for a wikibreak. Nobody was glad to see me back. Nobody said, "hey you're back with us, don't leave us again, please." Who did I fool? Myself. As you can see, I'm still active, even if it's one edit per day on average.

I'm on the verge on doing the same on the wikias. No, I tell myself, only after April, then you can edit all you want. I have to admit that it is very difficult, considering all those idiots rambling on irrelevant stuff - if I was admin I'd ban their asses for irrelevancy and nonsense. In another wikia, I am one of the six admins. In my absence, nothing was improving in the wiki, or so it seems to me. New users were not welcomed, it's a new month but no featured article is selected, there's not even a cleanup drive going. I'm so mad! Mad to myself for leaving when the wiki needs me! Mad at the admins for not being deserving of their posts.

But I'm also mad at myself for not doing what I am supposed to now. A project paper is due this March, and I'm still not over Chapter 2. Chapter 1 is half-baked even. I can't do it, I lose focus too easily. It's like that mental disorder, what they call Attention Deficit Disorder (they came up with a new term already). And it's true, these things don't interest me at all, probably that's why I am leaving them on the shelf to dust. Project paper, work, term paper, work, assignment, work. I am not cut out to be an academic. Then what will I be in the future? What will I grow up to become? What will my income source be? Oh my God, WHAT AM I DOING?